Oct 08, 2012 1:27PM

Fashion Suck: Cook Suck's Least Favourite Things in Fashion

The anonymous food police blog does not approve of wearable art or plain black socks.

Seeing as Oyster #101: Let's Get Digital recently came out, we decided to ask some of our favourite people on the internet to contribute to our website. First up is food blogger Cook Suck. Before you start imagining someone who takes annoying pictures of their overpriced brunch with a DSLR and uses the words 'divine' and 'astringent' to describe it — Cook Suck is not that kind of food blogger. Instead, Cook Suck provides vitriolic and anonymous commentary on photos of other people's meals that they (for unknown and distressing reasons) have uploaded to the internet, whether it be a wholemeal wrap that has been liberally applied with a morally abhorrent combination of peanut butter, shredded Coon cheese and Tasty Cheese CC's, or various vomit-induing takes on Mexican cuisine. Do not look at Cook Suck before/during/immediately after eating, or if you want your faith in humanity to be restored.

Because Cook Suck also has made his own foray into fashion and because he is good at hating things, here he tells us about his least favourite things in fashion.

WEARABLE ART

I assume with fashion — like music, like anything — there is some sort of scale between creativity/integrity and function/wearability. Want to achieve neither? As in, do you want the entire fashion world and the general public (so, everyone) to not want to talk to you, know you, respect you, or even sleep with you? Combine art and fashion you greedy, embarrassing, self-righteous cunt. You can't even tell them to stop — it's the only thing people with no creative tact can produce and they seem to love shoving it down our throats. It's the fucking Nu Metal of the fashion world — it's equivalent to 'urban decay' photography, or 9-5 office worker-flavoured 'Banksy' street art. Ooh, watch out, a fucking cow with a tie on is smoking a cigar, but wait, that cigar is a $50 note? What can it all mean? It means nothing, fuck off, I just made it up. Anyway, wearable art is the pits and I can just imagine how many red wine Xanax hangovers it causes for fashion lecturers and tutors. 

PLAIN BLACK SOCKS

I have no respect for any man that exclusively wears black business socks. You lazy, boring, king-of-nothing loser. Oh you want to talk about your ex-girlfriend? Of course you do, you're wearing black socks. Oh, it's Monday and you're grumpy? Again, black socks, obviously. Hope you're enjoying your Blend 43 and whatever boring shit you've decided to eat today. I'm guessing banana bread? Guess what — banana bread is fucking terrible for you and it's not even cake! Get some cake you shell of a man! I just can't respect people that eat banana bread as a kind of routine. And what's for lunch? Sausage roll? Oh, you're on a diet? Go on — treat yourself to one of those ludicrously overpriced, stale Munch sandwiches from 7-Eleven that taste like water. Anyway, this is what you want:

Ain't no better friendship than one that begins with, "Umm... Are you bleeding?"

THREADLESS SHIRTS

Not a day goes by where I don't see one of these.  I've noticed a lot of people who wear Threadless shirts seem to get married early. Not passing judgement but I'm going to assume that a large majority of couples who shack up in their early 20s are cowards afraid of dying alone (or in love, whatever that means).  Maybe it's a relationship insurance — like the fashion version of getting fat? A kind of 'stay away! Already found myself someone I can tolerate to accompany me on my joyless march to the grave'. Guess what? Everyone dies alone and this stupid shirt won't change anything. Threadless shirts are just depressing — at least you could laugh at guys wearing those 'I'm a virgin (this is an old t-shirt)' style novelty shirts.

ASICS GEL SAGA

Just kidding, there is nothing wrong with these motherfuckers. They're Jerry Seinfeld Nikes of the blogging age. Just look at them — up there with BLOG LIFE knuckle tatts. They also cure hangovers — adding an instant spring to your step. I ain't got the time for fancy brogues or derbys or whatever it is the Surry Hills cool kids are wearing. Don't hit 'Submit' unless you've got a pair of these bad boys strapped firmly to your tootsies.

Follow Cook Suck on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. He is also holding a mysterious band night at the Friend In Hand (Glebe, Sydney), sometime in the near future.