Jun 28, 2011 12:00AM

top 5: things to do now aliens have made contact

Get prepared for a close encounter.

1) Educate yourself. If one of the Western World's more credible news sources is to be believed, the truth, rather than being out there, is now on the streets of London. Now that we are all privy to the existence of our extraterrestrial cousins, we should commence rabidly consuming all pop-culture relating to alien life forms so as to fully prepare for their imminent arrival. This includes, but is not limited to, watching seasons one to nine of The X Files, learning all of the lyrics to David Bowie's 'Life On Mars?', and ensuring we are familiar with the kick-ass alien slaughtering techniques of middle-American farmers in M. Night Shyamalan's Signs. Knowledge, after all, is power.

2) Resist temptation. Sure, everyone likes a foreign love affair (and what could be more foreign than a distant planet?) but, if the George Lucas produced Howard the Duck is anything to go by, sex with an alien species, particularly an anthropomorphic bird, can only end in tears and a profound loss of dignity.

3) Trust no-one. If leading Russian astronomer Andrei Finkelstein is to be believed, aliens will most likely look exactly like us. Subsequently, avoiding situations such as that in point two could prove challenging. If 90s pulp cinema is anything to go by, it's probably best to avoid high-school teachers and hungry farmers from here on in.

4) Embrace anarchy. If there is one positive to be drawn from society's inordinate obsession with Doctor Who, it's that all of us lame enough to be parked in front of the television at 7:30 every Saturday night are fully aware that the government are hiding something from us. Therefore, the real heroes of this, our darkest hour, won't be the bureaucrats in their ivory towers but the disgruntled, perfectly chiseled civilians.

5) Don't get too excited. Like every close encounter, there is probably a perfectly rational explanation.